Learning the easy way for sissies

By Carl Sullenberger: Really, learning the hard way, through your mistakes, is the one sure way to make a lesson stick for the rest of your life. There is usually a scar or long term debt involved, so there's always the reinforcement angle, too. It's the method that I have honed to perfection since I never did like reading the instructions or asking for directions. It's a man thing.

As a very young child, say 6, I became aware that you shouldn't have dreams about running from someone and falling off of a cliff if you slept in the top bunk. I had the dream only once, so I did get the message. It's not the fall that gets you, it's that sudden stop. I obtained a practical lesson in physics in the bargain.

The next lesson was when I was about 9 years old. I learned that just because an electric stove top isn't red doesn't mean it isn't hot. Employing the finger test I also discovered what burning flesh smells like and that dancing about screaming makes the pain a bit less noticeable.

As a young teen I became cognizant of the fact that frogs are very hard to see in the grass. This was realized while mowing the half acre we lived on in the village of Birmingham. You can't see frogs until they come out the mower's grass chute mostly because the amphibian is no longer just green.

In junior high I learned you shouldn't act in a play if you're not physically capable of pulling off the part. At 14 I was not exactly what you'd call a Brad Pitt lookalike, (I had more of a Tweedledee body type), but that's what the role of Jesse called for.

I was supposed to say a couple of lines while doing pushups. During the play's one-show run I managed to speak and workout at the same time. However, the lack of oxygen in my brain caused a confused state and I left the stage a few lines early.

Thus ended my acting career.

In high school I found out you can't have orange pee and not get a nickname from it. When I got a bladder infection the doctor, whom I'm certain hated children, prescribed pills that turned my urine Day-Glo orange. You could boil orange Kool-Aid down to syrup and not get the blazing color I issued forth. I was affectionately known as "Orange Pop" for much of my freshman year.

This time period brought more lessons. I was bigger and stronger than my father, so I assumed I should be able to take him wrestling. I learned that you can't beat your father at anything because he'll cheat.

After several unsuccessful attempts I finally had the old man pinned and was about to ask if he'd like to concede. As I sailed through the air I recalled he had been in the Marine Corps.

Further, I discovered that my nice long hair was an irresistible handle for propulsion into the next room. This situation taught me flowing locks are bad idea when wrestling an old guy and that I could indeed bounce a couple of times if thrown hard enough.

Never let your mother see you almost pin your father. Since I towered over my 5 foot 1 inch mom, the thought that I couldn't take her was moot in my mind and therefore it was unnecessary to prove.

She, however, didn't believe I was bright enough not to try. Her simple warning was if I were ever to physically challenge her I should take great care to never fall asleep lest I not be afforded the opportunity to awaken again.

Having survived my childhood and attaining the status of parent I continued to increase my knowledge base. Through much yelling, screaming, and threats of violence I came to the realization that you can't teach your kids anything because they already know everything.

The thing that makes this lesson difficult to swallow is in reviewing my experiences growing up I noticed that the older I became the smarter my parents grew. The exact opposite has happened to me. The older my children became the dumber I got.

To this day I have to ask them how to perform functions on almost anything electronic, where I left objects I can't find, and who that guy was in that film I can't recall the name of.

If you learn from your mistakes, I should be the smartest man alive. It's not working out that way.